The Ex Files: To Share or Not To Share

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I went back and forth for hours, contemplating whether to write this post or not. You see, when you’re in the throes of marriage, the boundaries are stacked in steel, unlike the crackly concrete and tepid tar walls you experience while dating. Nope, this married thing is a sacred, treasured, tricky thing. But since when is censorship a part of MY story? It isn’t, so here goes:

I don’t feel like I’m responsible to share my personal life with my exes.

A while back, I found out one of my exes was betrothed. Though surprised, I was unconcerned. Honestly, I was borderline offended to be on the receiving end of the news, considering I no longer speak to him and haven’t in years. I wouldn’t want people sharing my story with my ex,  and definitely not in a passing conversation. Isn’t that the point of social media? To avoid those awkward moments?

Much to my annoyance, someone did just that. Shared the joy of my engagement in a passing conversation to the only ex I am still “coo” with. Several texts and conversations later, my verdict remains. Yes, I probably should’ve told him, but extenuating circumstances made me think it would do more harm than good. Though I wish the method of delivery would’ve been different, the facts remain. I’m not responsible for sharing my personal life with my exes.

Or am I? What do you think?

 

 

Why Friendships Are Worth It

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Now that I’m entering that phase of womanhood I so avoided–marriage, commitment, a career, children–I’ve had no qualms about taking good advice.  I’ve found that words of wisdom lurk behind the lips of most older women. All you have to do is stop talking, wait and actively listen.

I recently experienced this wisdom from a coworker. Though twice my age, we share a love of accessories, prudence and strappy sandals! Her practical, but tactful personality eased me into a conversation about marriage and family, during which she said the realest thing ever. Having endured a divorce after a lengthy marriage (30+ years!) , she maintains her belief in love, family, and most importantly, her friends.

Friends who are entering an entirely different phase of life–loss of a spouse, divorce, retirement, health crises and grandchildren. My coworker, who finds herself in the midst of it all, came to a jolting realization.

She couldn’t have survived without her friends.

Her friends wouldn’t have come through without her. Aside from their faith, it was their friendships that outlasted everything. Her words of wisdom for me, the newlywed and newly committed?

Hold on to your friendships. They’re worth it.

 

The Clutter of Chaos

An empty blog post sat saved in my drafts, forlorn and forgotten, another consequence of time. I don’t remember what it is I would have written anyway. I probably struggled with words, as I do now, unsure of which subject deserves my voice, which internal struggle to set free. There’s so much to say, so many thoughts I process. My relationships are forever complex and changing; friendships too convoluted to decipher and love too sacred to explain…..expectation, misunderstanding, frustration, exasperation. And excitement. Blessings on blessings on blessings.

My life is a microclimate–cyclical seasons of stormy weather, golden sunshine, and fresh air. So much has changed within this past year: I’m getting married (joy). I’m planning a wedding (anxiety). I’m cohabiting (curiosity). I’m turning 30 (indifference). I’m going to London (glee). I’m a permanent employee (relief). I bought my first car (pleasure). This list is amazing and exhausting. Instead of talking about it, I’ll just……be.

The clutter in the chaos is cathartic when you just let it be.

Hello June

“Time is an illusion.”

Albert Einstein had it right. We work endlessly to exert control over time: how to save it, spend it, double it, preserve it….In reality, we’re powerless and our efforts are in vain. Here it is, the first of June, and I’m still wondering where time went!? I keep referring to the present as the “beginning of the year” when in fact we’re halfway to 2016. As a professional in time management, I find myself overwhelmed with the inability to capitalize my time.

It started after the end of a terrible relationship and has since become an obsession. I hate wasting my time. Whether it’s a dead end job, a lame boyfriend, a stale friendship or terrible movie, when I felt my time being wasted, I quickly moved on, leaving shards of collateral damage behind me. It’s been a challenge, balancing the freeing and filling of my time, teetering between loneliness and over-consumption; choosing to indulge in peaceful solidarity or the complex world of interpersonal interactions. Usually, I go go go, only to collapse into a heap of exhaustion. The introvert’s paradox is what I call it. So what does this have to do with June?

This month, I’m calling b*llshit. You know the card game? Each player lays down a numbered card in sequential order, “b*llshitting” when they don’t have the correct number, until another player calls them on it. Well that’s what I’m doing to myself, for myself. With my wedding only three months away, I simply don’t have the time to do it all. And I’m making peace with that today. I don’t have to do everything and I don’t have to see everyone. Life (and time) will go on.

What about you? How do you manage your time?